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Condition of the Month

November 5, 2012

It’s finally here! November! The best month of the year! Anything can happen! The day when we can all come together and make a difference in our world. Yes, of course, it is time for our first ever Condition of the Month! From here on out the four of us will all sync up and answer a monthly question presented to us by one of our fellow naughty princesses, thus cementing our friendship and securing our opinions for posterity. Contributors and readers alike are encouraged to comment on these dialogues, since studies have shown identifying with other victims of the Twenty-Something Condition can mitigate symptoms.

It is, after all, election season so we figured it was only fitting to begin with a politically charged topic; what elected office would you hold? As it turns out we’ve all taken large liberties with the word elected, but you all get the idea. Let the Condition of the Month begin!

Right now, I’m a princess. But if I had my choice of political offices, I would have to choose Queen. I currently live in a Middle Eastern kingdom that has never been ruled by an elected leader. So when I got to thinking about what office I’d like to take, my thoughts immediately turned to this oil-rich, patriarchal society, which in my opinion could benefit a lot by electing me, Cinderslut, as their queen. So here’s my platform—my solutions to our kingdom’s biggest problems:

  • Problem: Too much reliance on oil for our prosperity. Queen Cinderslut’s solution: fill up the vast desert with solar, wind, and nuclear power plants. The oil money can easily pay for it, and those resources will be invaluable as the oil reserves decrease.
  • Problem: Not enough fun things to do. Queen Cinderslut’s solution: use energy surplus from aforementioned power plants to desalinate the water for 100 new water parks/amusement parks. Currently the law says no residence can be built more than 800 meters from a mosque. Under my rule, no residence will be built more than 8 km from an epic waterpark. Waterslides and roller coasters for all! And you can wear whatever kind of bathing suit you want.
  • Problem: Lack of women’s rights. Queen Cinderslut’s solution: First, we revoke men’s right to drive and give it to the women instead. This measure, along with the comprehensive light-rail network I will build, will cut vehicle accidents and deaths by 90%. Furthermore, none of my citizens will be told what to wear or not to wear.  I will also institute a yearly festival in which all the women bleach and tie-dye their abayas, a symbolic act of female empowerment. Of course, it goes without saying that all archaic laws and practices repressing women’s rights and autonomy will be immediately revoked.

So vote for me, Queen Cinderslut! Well, once you have the right to vote, that is.


Man this is a tough question to start out with. I’ll begin with letting you know how absurdly excellent I am at anything I set out to do, so really any office I choose will be the better for it. But if the question is where I’ll be happiest, or what office I could make the largest difference, the answer changes. Maybe I’ve been reading too much Game of Thrones lately but the idea of being president doesn’t quite hold the appeal it used to. I wouldn’t enjoy working m y hardest only to be hated for it like poor Tyrion. I’d likely be happiest in a local office, making minor changes to a community I am part of… but if I really could be anything my arrogance requires a bit more ambition.

My next thoughts go toward becoming a Supreme Court justice and saving the nation one absurd court case at a time. I’d get to make rules with all the best information presented and my vote would count without being solely responsible. But working with the same people and in the same job FOR LIFE is not at all appealing to me, though I like the idea that my opinions and verdicts would change as I aged. So, no, a Supreme Court justice is not the office for me.

After a bit more research I’ve decided that where I’d really be both happy and effective would be heading up a national agency, The Department of the Interior. As the principal conservation agency I’d get to be part of everything cool ever. I’d get to oversee scientific research, protect wildlife and natural resources, survey geology and minerals, develop recreational sites, work with technologies like GIS, and travel through every inch of our beautiful country. I’d even get to work socially on our historical agreements with American Indians and Native Alaskans. Land is such an important part of American life and to be responsible for both protecting and developing our entire county sounds out of this world. And I’d get a free pass to national parks for life, can’t get much better than that.

-Sleeping Booty

Which political office?  For some reason, that is an easy question for me.  I would definitely be Secretary of State.  Now this might be influenced by the fact that Condoleezza Rice is one of heroes; not only is she an intelligent, super put-together woman, but also (little known fact) she has her PhD in Russian Literature.  As a graduate student in the humanities, I love this!  Too often people assume that one should study political science, or law, or international relations to be a good stateswoman. But really I think that sometimes (or most of time) studying something like Russian literature can teach you more about the human spirit than any of those other pseudo-practical topics.  I mean, have you read Anna Karenina?

Secretary of State is also an awesome position because it is behind the scenes.  The Secretary of State is advising the president, flying around the world, making crucial decisions with other foreign leaders, but yet somehow receives remarkably little press attention.   I would rather be the silent hands than the speaking head any day.   Oh yeah, and Hilary Clinton is pretty bad-ass too—you, see: it’s what all the awesome women are doing: getting stuff done while men sit around in suits trying to look impressive.

-The Little Merskank

Honestly I don’t really like politics. I’ve never had a strong desire to enter that world. The idea of trying to represent people and help make the world a better place is admirable and something I could see myself doing, but politics as it is today is nowhere near that pure. I know I would never get far in politics because I would actually want to answer questions honestly and not be backed by giant corporations. However, if I had to choose a position, it would be secretary of state. I have a passion for the world. I would love traveling around and trying to improve relations between countries.  However, I would be a very unique secretary of state. Mainly because I care about struggling people in developing countries and would favor helping them over asserting America’s dominance in the world. Maybe I could start a revolution, a revolution where countries stop caring about their own power and start caring about their fellow man. That’s my dream. It may not be realistic, but it’s a beautiful thought.

-Snow Whore

5 Comments leave one →
  1. November 5, 2012 4:53 pm

    ohhh. i see we have a rivalry! So who should I vote for? Snow Whore or Merskank?

    • thelittlemerskank permalink*
      November 6, 2012 6:51 am

      Well, when Cinderslut becomes queen she can just dictate that there should be two Secretaries of State. We can alternate years, so that every other year we have a break from our established duties so that we can just spend time traveling, meeting people, and reading Russian novels. I feel that this method would ultimately add greatly the success of our country’s foreign endeavors.

  2. snowwhore permalink*
    November 6, 2012 11:37 am

    I don’t think we have to alternate–I think that it is a big job and we could easily split the duty. The little merskank would obviously work closely with eastern Europe and Asia, while I would use my spanish skills and my latin dance moves to win over south america.

  3. November 6, 2012 10:47 pm

    How very amicable! how very non partisan! Why fight when we can split the time!?

  4. November 7, 2012 3:48 am

    Great solution.I think The Little Merskank’s and Snow Whore’s personalities will complement each other very well in their joint role as Secretary of State. 🙂

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