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It’s Not the Same

June 12, 2013

I miss my friends. I miss my fellow naughty princesses. I know I’ve written a post like this before, but I’m really feeling it right now and so I’m saying it again. I know we have this blog, and skype dates and facebook—but a digital relationship only goes so far.  People talk about how great technology is because it makes it possible to stay in touch with people even when they’re halfway around the world. And that is great. I’d rather have a digital relationship with you than no relationship. But it’s not the same. I need  to see you. I don’t just want to stay in touch with you, I want to be able to actually touch you, and have the comfort of your presence.

Cinderslut: you are my closest married friend and I’ve wanted to talk to you so badly about things in my marriage and I can’t and I hate it. I’m mad because I feel like I can’t talk to you like I used to.  The first year of marriage is exciting, but it’s also hard and a lot of crap happens and you’re the only one I feel comfortable sharing with. But I can’t express everything over instant messaging, and when we skype your husband is always there, or mine is in the next room and I can’t say what I want to say. And I know we’re both busy, and it’s not your fault, but I’m still angry because sometimes I feel like I really need your perspective and there’s this giant wall called the Atlantic Ocean and I can’t reach you. Not really. Not like I want to.

Merskank: I was in our coffee shop today, but you weren’t there, and I missed you with a physical ache.  And all I wanted was for you to sit across from me so I could tell you my fears about the future and we could talk about our goals and how they seem so unattainable at times. I need your thoughtfulness. I need your quirkiness. I need your reassuring presence in my life so that I know that even when I’m lost, at least we can be lost together.  Our conversation is like a balm to my soul, and without it I don’t know how to smooth the roughness.

Sleeping Booty: I was dreaming up a music video in my head the other day, but then I realized I could never do it without you and my heart dropped. It wouldn’t be the same. You have the eye that sees the beauty in me that I have trouble finding sometimes.  We feed off each other’s energy, so what do I do when I don’t have your energy with me?  How can I truly capture what’s important in my life if you aren’t there with the camera?  There are still mementos in my apartment that you left behind, and they only make me miss you more.

I was on campus today, but I didn’t feel anything. No nostalgia, no warmth. Because that place doesn’t mean anything to me without you guys. And I’m not lacking in friends, but none of my other friends feel the same as you. None of them know my story like you do.  And of course, I can get closer to other people and open up with them and feel a close bond, but that doesn’t make the absence of you any easier. There are some people that you know will be with you for life, and that’s you. Our souls are knit together.  I know that we can’t always be physically together. And part of me knows that we probably won’t be very much anymore. And I can accept that normally. But today I can’t.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. June 13, 2013 4:02 am

    I know it’s a lot more difficult to feel close when we’re so far apart, but there’s still no reason we shouldn’t talk about anything and everything you want to. Just say the word and we’ll have a husbands-free skype date. And, on the plus side, I’ll be returning to your physical presence in just 33 days!

  2. June 13, 2013 1:45 pm

    I feel you SH. There is only so much we can get to in one hour skype sessions every few weeks. I’ve thrown myself into this blog to feel closer to you guys but you’re right, it’s just not the same. And the scariest part is that most often we are all fine- we’re busy and moving forward with our lives-but when we do need each other we aren’t easily accessible and sometimes even feel a little lame for missing people who aren’t feeling the same way in that moment. I feel pretty far away from all of you right now, but this post helped.

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