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Losing Control

August 20, 2013

This summer has been a whirlwind for me. For most people, summer is a time of relaxation, vacation, and having fun. For me it’s been a time of never ending work, constant emotional breakdowns and financial woes. You may have noticed my decreased presence on the blog. Well, most of that is due to the current craziness that is my life.

Now, for me, summer time is always crazy at work, because I work in the tourism industry. But I would be ok if that were the only thing I were dealing with. But no, sometimes life decides to throw it all at you in one fell swoop. In the beginning of July, my husband lost his job. Now, neither one of us was pulling in the big bucks.  Two incomes seemed pretty necessary. And suddenly we had one.

I went through the stages of being angry, sad, and worried out of my mind. But after all this, I decided that being worried about money was not worth my time and effort. I couldn’t control it, so why spend all my time obsessing about it. It was a very freeing feeling. I had an almost out of body experience, looking at the world and how focused everyone was on money and how stupid that was. There is no joy in that. God had always provided for me in the past and I knew he would continue to do so. But even after this realization, financial things were a struggle. Having an epiphany is great, but it does not automatically alter your natural instincts. And our natural instincts tell us to obsess about money. So I have been fighting that battle.

Another battle I have been fighting is with my husband. And I don’t mean the kind of battle that involves us being angry at each other and shouting all the time. It is the battle of how best to encourage him. Losing a job is a huge blow to your confidence. And then knowing that you need to immediately put yourself back out there is extremely challenging. Even though the job market seems to be improving some, applying for and getting a job is still a difficult and tedious and frustrating task.  I find myself not knowing the best tactic to take in supporting him in his task. Half the time I want to be intense and tell him to stop whining, get off his butt and put himself out there–pound the pavement–try harder. And the other half of the time I just feel I should back off, let him go through his own process, and just shower him with compliments to boost his self esteem. I’ve gone both ways, and I honestly still feel lost in how to help him. I’m constantly trying to understand what he needs at any given moment, while simultaneously wanting to exclaim that what I need is for him to take some of the pressure off me.

Because let me tell you, being the sole wage earner of a household feels like a big responsibility. I sometimes feel that I am going to buckle under the pressure. If I had some really high paying job–maybe I wouldn’t feel that way. But as it is, I’m scheduled for forty hours a week, and trying to pick up overtime on my precious days off, or staying at work for 14 hour days, to try to scrape up any extra money that I can. And I know that he is trying to get a job, but when I come home from a long, exhausting day and I see him just sitting on the couch, where he’s been all day without even getting dressed, it is hard not to feel some resentment. But I don’t want to give in to that feeling because I know that he is going through a lot, and I want to be supportive.  Are you starting to understand what I mean by the constant emotional roller coaster?

As the title of this post suggests, I am in a constant state of losing control.  It’s scary as shit, and it’s a daily struggle, but at the same time I think it’s good for me. I have lived so much of my life trying to maintain control—don’t we all? Control of our education, our career, our finances, our relationships. But the bottom line is–we cannot control everything. Life is not an equation you can solve. It’s not a pattern that you can follow. No matter how hard you try, no matter what you achieve–you will never be completely in control.  You can be responsible, and save, and make good choices–but here’s the honest truth. You are never as secure as you think you are.  So stop idolizing security. It’s not worth it.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. August 20, 2013 2:58 pm

    I love you’re realizations. Just because you can’t control everything doesn’t mean you should stop trying to reach for things you want. Learning to be okay with a little variation is always good!

  2. August 20, 2013 9:18 pm

    I can identify with not having a job. You are right, it is a blow to your confidence and can really take the wind out of your sails. I am sure you have been doing a great job encouraging him, though!

  3. snowwhore permalink*
    August 20, 2013 10:49 pm

    I’d just like to note that, ironically, right after I posted this, he called me and told me the company he was interviewing with wanted to hire him! I feel relieved, but I want everyone to know that I still feel strongly about losing control being a good thing ultimately.

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