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A Big Beautiful Mess

July 18, 2014

Where to begin. I know that I have been pretty absent from this blog lately. I don’t really have an excuse other than living my life and trying to have as many experiences as I can while simultaneously trying to stave off the twenty something panic attacks about not having money, direction, etc. Basically, even though I haven’t even really left my city, I’ve been running around constantly and not stopping to reflect. Never a good long term solution, but it’s what this season has become.

I think that if I were to summarize what this past month has been I would say that its been about balancing out all of my struggles with equal amounts of joy. My burdens are still there. My husband still doesn’t have steady work. Our apartment is still falling apart. I have to fight every day to try and overcome the worry. But that’s not all I do.

I’ve been trying to take advantage of having so much time to spend with my husband. I’ve started scheduling hikes for us every other week. Last Monday we hiked to the most beautiful little secluded mountain lake. Snow capped mountains were all around with little waterfalls cascading down to the lake in every direction. Even if all we do is walk around the mall looking at things we can’t afford, I still make sure that we are getting out of the house as much as possible. We’ve been making more of an effort to see family as well.

I’ve also gotten out of my funk enough to be appreciative for how blessed I am, even with all of the burdens we have. I’ve seen my husband exhibit enormous strength of character in the last couple weeks. There have been a lot of difficult family relationships that we have had to navigate and throughout everything, he took the high road, and even counseled people towards reconciliation. And in the midst of all of this he continues to be patient and caring with me when I’ve lashed out at him from stress and worry. I’m so proud of him.

It’s been a tough summer, but its been a fun summer as well. We have definitely been taking full advantage of it. I think that’s what being in your twenties is all about. Your life is bound to be full of pressure and confusion and financial worries, but those things don’t have to encompass your whole life. They only do if you let them. Most of the time what you have to do is accept the crappy situation you might be faced with, and choose to find joy regardless. That might mean getting out of the city to go hiking and be away from things. It might mean having beers on the roof every Friday night. It might mean dressing up and going out to dinner even though you know you should be trying to “save money”. It might mean getting in the car and driving just to feel like you’re getting somewhere. Whatever it is, we shouldn’t waste our twenties worrying about what our life should or could be. That is truly the road to nowhere.

As for me, my life is a big beautiful mess and I am not ashamed.

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